The Southern Bill of Rights

1. Them rascals in Washington can't stop you from printin' the SEC football preview, "Field & Stream", or nary other such useful readin' materials. You can say just about anything you want, but it ain't neighborly to talk bad about somebody's momma or General Lee. You can worship the Good Lord however you please and it ain't nobody's business if that involves a fishin' boat and a frosty beverage.


2. A pot full of squirrels bein' necessary for the creation of squirrel gumbo, the right to carry a loaded 12-gauge shotgun in your pickup truck shall not be infringed.


3. You ain't got to provide quarters for soldiers, but it would be right neighborly if you give 'em a warm bed and a nice supper of fried catfish, greens, and hush puppies.


4. Nary a revenuer or other public official can enter your house without a proper invite, unless they seen the smoke from your still and done fetched a warrant.


5. You can't be locked in the hoosegow for shootin' your mother in law or nary other unneighborly act unless a grand jury says there is gonna be a reckonin', and if there's done been a reckonin' they can't ever throw you in the hoosegow for the same thing agin, and if'n you stand accused of stealin' watermelons you ain't gotta say one damn thing, and the gubment can't take your truck or fishin' boat or coon dog without what they pay a right fair price for it.


6. If you get throwed in the hoosegow, there's gonna be a reckonin' by a jury real soon now concernin' when you get to go home, and that fellow that claimed you stole his fishin' hole can't be on the jury, and you get to look them that accused you in the eye, and you can make folks take a day off from work to come down to the courthouse and tell all they know, and you can have an attorney unless you just don't cotton to lawyer types.


7. If some no account varmint runs into your pickup truck and the damage is more than $20, a jury gets to say which fellow is at fault, and once they done had their say that is the end of it. Can't no other judge or jury ever say different.


8. You ain't got to pawn your pickup truck for bail money to get out of the hoosegow, and while you're there they at least gotta feed you some grits and beans and such, and they can't whoop you with a knotted plowline or make you listen to opera.


9. Just `cause the constitution says you got certain rights and privileges don't mean you ain't got others.


10. The federal gubment ain't got no business doin' anything exceptin' what the constitution says they can.